Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
