sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
