I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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