Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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