What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
