Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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