The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize