So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
