Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
