May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize