I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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