I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
