Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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