Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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