so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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