vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
