no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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