I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
