Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
