Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
