well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
