there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
