Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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