I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
