She announced her abortion via fbk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
