you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
