So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
