why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize