I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
