Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
