I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
