i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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