So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize