i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
