Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
