I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
