you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
