Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
