someone owes me an orgasm
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize