don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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