last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
