Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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