Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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