I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
