I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
