Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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