she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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