Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
