I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
