I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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