how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
