You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
