I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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