I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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