i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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