everyone is single if you try hard enough
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
