Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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