I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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