No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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