I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
