fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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